First off, the wedding went amazingly. I could not have asked for a better out come. It was picture perfect and everyone is still telling me what a wonderful time they all had.

We spent a week in Ft. Myers Beach Fl. 100 feet from the beach. My friends from Florida drove 3 hours to come party with us for a day. that totally kicked ass.

We came home and for the last two weeks have been on a pretty normal schedule. We are back to normal, and things are great. My birthday was just wednesday, and my hubby (still getting used to that) bought me a Wii, which I spent all of today hooking up and playing.

Well, as if tor ip the joy right from my soul, I went to change into my pj's and one of the stones from my ring, i discovered, is gone. Just... fucking... gone. I just spent the last half hour sobbing and tearing everything apart. I feel sick and like a piece of shit.

For the record, this ring was not expensive.. it was under 100 dollars... but be that as it may, it IS MY WEDDING RING. This ring means a lot to me. I was hoping that by not spending a lot... when something like this happened I wouldnt have a heart attack. (Then again, I figured this would be like 5 years down the road and it would involve one of our children and a toilet flushing incident) I was not prepared for this, less than ONE MONTH after we got married.

I am trying to keep myself from getting sick over this, and John, the sweety, is still looking for the damned stone. (He sent me to bed) We got this warranty on it, so I mean... we should be able to get it fixed.. but still.. they are probably going to take it from me... for forever...and then they will have trouble getting it back to me... and oh fuck me sideways... this is not boding well for me.

I know the ring doesn't dictate our marriage's authenticity... but.. I mean.. It's my fucking WEDDING RING!

:*(

I have never ever ever personally stopped being friends with anyone because of their beliefs, regardless of how strongly I feel. I am a firm believer in "to each their own."

However, my biggest political pet peeve is when people claim a side before they know the issue at hand.

NO ONE is 100 % Democrat, Republican, Liberal, or Conservative.

Sorry...it doesn't happen. To claim you are and always will be one is just ignorant, and setting yourself up to look like an ass.

On a completely unrelated topic.. ONLY 30 DAYS LEFT UNTIL I AM MARRIED AND HAVE A NEW NAME!!!!!
I am so super excited!

So after all of the stressing out I have done, and not actually having time to feel the effects, my body has given up. I can't eat, I am having anxiety induced nightmares, and my hair is falling out.

It's fucking fantastic. I haven't held down food in two days, I can't go to work. I just feel like complete shit.

It doesn't help that EVERYTHING I do or say is negated because SOMEONE else has been doing it longer than me. I can't cook because I don't know what I am doing and I should just listen to the ass who puts black pepper on everything because 2 packs a day a severe alcoholic streak ruined their taste-buds.....

I can't decide on what flowers I want in my arrangements because I was never a florist and clearly me not liking a standard set up is just me being ignorant. (It has nothing to do with the fact that I think the particular flower is stupid looking...oh and like 15 people I know are ridiculously allergic to it)

I can't advise someone on how to park their car, because they have been driving several (3) years longer than I have.. yet they parked 2 feet from the curb and crooked.

Any opinion I have is just me trying to start an argument.

Dammit.

I have like 31 days until My wedding, and at this rate It can't happen soon enough. I HATE that I am wishing for the "happiest day of our life" to be over with without having gotten to enjoy it yet.

I just want to cry, but I am afraid I will just puke again, and quite frankly I have done enough of that today.

Fuck people.

I need some love songs for slow dancin' too.. We have a few songs but...meh..

Please no country or rap.

Rock works and you can go from Elvis to a song that came out yesterday.. that's cool with us, but I am drawing a blank.

Last weekend I got to go to New York with a very dear friend of mine, Dominic. My dad took my step-mom up to buy a dress for my wedding, I had off, and I knew Dom would love the road trip so the four of us went up. (Poor John had to work but o wells) We got the dress. We saw a man playing the drums on a bucket and a tire rim in the subway... (I have been to NY A LOT..and that was the first musician in the subway I have ever seen.) We also hit a few random stores and mainly people watched. I got to try Thai food... and If you want my advice.. go to THAI ANGEL....I have no idea where it was, but it was a local place (not touristy) and it was priced decently and the food was AWESOME!

This weekend My dad, step-mom, brother, John, Dom, and myself all went to Philly on a spur of the moment trip to go to TERROR BEHIND THE WALLS at Eastern State Penitentiary. Its this super crazy old prison that is supposed to be haunted, and the set up a haunted house type walk through of it that is crazy good. After we went through there, we hit up south street to browse shops and people watch. Most of the stores were closed because we go there pretty late...(yay spur of the moment trip)... We did see the cops break up a huge group of yelling people. The cops were screaming about getting off the street and not to come back while banging their batons on the store-front grates. We Realized that there was something that had happened previously and we missed it...but not to worry, because 5 minutes later a crazy fist fight broke out and when the cops tried to break it up, the one guy started swinging at the cop and then the cop beat his ass with a baton. I thought it was pretty epic / entertaining.(He fought the law/ and the/ law won!) . John wasn't having any of it and made a bee-line for the truck. We weren't in Harms way but we did have a good view.

Today we went and got all of the guys fitted for their tuxes. I thought this was awesome because everyone got done the same day, so there will be no worries as to keeping tabs on everyone and chasing people down if they forgot. Yay for no headaches. I also got my shoes today, as did john...turns out our shoes match. (When you both end up getting Canvas sneakers ~ Converse Knock-offs~ it's easy.) Yes. I am wearing sneakers with my dress. There is no way in HELL I am going to wear dress shoes for 5 hours. AND I am certainly not carrying an extra set of shoes around for when my feet start to hurt. I just avoid all the unnecessary extras and use one comfy pair of shoes. John apparently had the same idea.

ANYwho.. This was just a random update. :-) yay wedding

John and I are getting married this halloween. We had decided to move it up because of our original thought. ~Why save up an ass load of money, just to blow it and have to start over from scratch to save for a house~

WHen we decided this, I had tried to set the date for the 17th of October... however the only hall that was available on such short notice, only had halloween available. I was trying to avoid that date due to my future in-laws and how hellish they have been recently...but I said fuck it, and the place is booked. Mind you, I hadn't seen it, nor did I even know where the hell it was. My Aunt Debbie had used it before, said it was lovely... I took a leap of faith.

My Aunt Cara is letting me use her wedding dress and my mom is doing the alterations. Which, I assume she started since I had to go and play dress-up while she stabbed me with pins.

I have only hit a few snags so far. The main one being that I had been crying over EVERYTHING. Someone offered me a suggestion I didn't like.. I cried because I was scared to tell them no. Someone offered me a great idea. I cried because I didn't think of it first....and the list goes on. People were afraid to even talk to me, because they didn't want to make me cry. That was not good. SSOOOOO.. I stopped intake of caffeine and I hadn't even taken a sip of booze in three weeks. I haven't cried since.

I eventually (two days ago) got to see my hall and it's amazing..right on the water in beachwood...plenty of room.

Oh, aparently I have no fucking clue how a wedding works, because I asked my brother, and Johns brother (same age) to be ushers.... and didn't know that usually ushers stood as groomsmen.. when this was brought to my attention... I was like..oh shit.. now I need two more brides maids. I orignially had two, but I made one the officiant instead and bumped the other to MOH. John had a best man..and now two more groomsmen. SO I asked my cousins, one of which I want to punch in the face....to fill in the spaces. And I had the misfortune of dress shopping with them yesterday.

I want to punch the one, because the day I got engaged (year and a half ago) she told me to plan my wedding around hunter-green because she looks good in that and since she was going to be my MOH I should just save myself the headache.... That was before she told me congrats. Anyway, since I have asked her (out of desperation) she keeps trying to take the reigns and set up my wedding...mind you most of it is already taken care of at this point. So telling her no has been a pain in the balls. Everything I say is wrong and I am "the worst bride ever" according to my loving cousin.

My stepmom keeps trying to suggest using flowers that most of my mom's side (myself included) are deathly allergic too because "they are the ONLY ones that come in the color we NEED" I told her no over and over, but since I am 23, I have no idea what I am talking about.

Invitations were an interesting experience. My mom found a set on sale at AC MOORE and goot 100 for like...$20 which was awesome. But here is something I don't get.. I understand that I should pay for all the stamps to mail them out...but why is it so hard for each possible guest to get ONE stamp to return the rsvp? I was told that if I didn't supply the stamp.. NO ONE WOULD RESPOND because it is expected. WHat I didn't expect was 70 fucking dollars in stamps. 49 cents for one stamp if the prospective guest were to reply... $70 for me to cover both sets of stamps. Dammit that is retarded.

I was told several times by my inlaws-to-be that they no longer approve of the wedding because I do not praise Jesus. awesome. I was also told that all the current dress styles are trampy... so I might want to look into borrowing my grandmothers because at least that will be modest. Oh! and when we (my mother and I) had lunch with her and told her the new date, she waited until my mom went to cover the bill and said "SO..the new date is the 31st? Oh...well.. my dog is supposed to have puppies that day. I don't know if she will be able to handle it on her own. I have been helping them along for every litter I think I ruined their instinct. I mean, the dog isn't pregnant yet, but I am pretty sure she will be having puppies that day and I will have to be there to break the placental sacks." Then my mom returns and I am too stunned to reply.

The woman told me she'd rather be elbow deep in dog placenta than go to her first son's wedding. (People wonder why I think his parents hate me.)

um..yeah..thats all I got at the moment. I am so burnt out from this weekend that I had to take today off just to get my head on straight. Weddings should never have gotten this difficult.

This is bad, and having constant access to all of the world's knowledge (internet) both proven and not...makes it unbearable.

John is no where near mentally of physically prepared to handle children, and here I am frothing at the bit, ready to buy a nursery and a half...

I hate myself for it. We haven't even figured out our damn wedding yet and I am half a mile into the next topic.

What the hell is wrong with me?! Most people my age are still trying to figure out college and jobs! I have thrown that all out of my brain, apparently, and gone right into Susie-homemaker mode.


Throw that in with my irrational fear of being sterile and let me tell you about this fun party over in my head.

I am afraid of being sterile.
I am afraid of fertility drugs/invitro...

there is a history of mental retardation on my mother's side, so the idea of risking a crazy multiple birth and combining it with crazy health issues...I'd end up octo-tardo mom. Don't get me wrong... if I do end up having a child and there are problems, I will love my child..but I am not about to take unnecessary risks.

I have no fucking clue what to do, or who to talk to about this.

One where I don't have to see if John can pencil me in. How about them apples? :-(

As my friend put it best, I am only woman, and women do some very dumb things some times.

Now, I wouldn't say my recent accomplishment is dumb, so much as completely random and it really hasn't sunk in just yet.

Before I go any further into detail I must point out that the relationship I am in is not a socially accepted "norm." John and I are swingers. We see nothing wrong with having a good time with, or with out each other. I don't ask anyone to agree with it. Just smile and nod and call it a day.

SO I was at a friends house and I was introduced to new people. (This happens a lot at this person's house.. she is a little social butterfly.)

We were helping her move, and afterward we began drinking and playing Apples to Apples. (Has been my recent addiction for the last few months. Good game. Highly recommended). During said game "W" kind of started making eyes at me, which I found interesting since I am usually not the first pick of the litter. Anywho after a long night of cards (We played until we saw sun light.) We all started to find places to grab a 2 hour nap before the movers showed up to get all of the shit we packed. I had not actually intention of sleeping since I was wide awake, so all of the beds got claimed and I decided to dick around on her computer. "W", after having gone to the bed he claimed, came back out and chatted me up. We shared a few laughs and accidentally woke up the kid who had fallen asleep on the couch. We moved into a room where things got "carried away". Yay. That isn't the weird part.

What is weird is that AFTER all was said and done, but before the victory smoke, he felt the need to share with me his life story. Which included, mind you, how he beat someone so bad... they were in a coma for 4 years. (Providing "W" isn't lying...That's fucked up. If he is lying...why would that be something used to impress someone?)

The one fucking time, someone my age actually hits on me, and there is something super wrong upstairs. X-P I really do not know what to make of the situation. After that conversation was done, he passed out and I kinda of just waked back into the living room to play on the computer. The group of us hung out only part of the day and then the friends left and it was just R and me... she laughed when she heard the story I got. Then she got real stern and said "You better not have given "W" your number...he gives me the creeps... I mean, you are my friend and this probably isn't my place...but... I don't think you two should have anything more than what already happened." I just laughed. I never gave him my number... then again, he never asked for it.

I am so confused. I am half offended. I half don't care. John just laughed about the story. I dunno. SO I guess I can add convict to my list of conquests now. Not exactly a preset goal, but, whatever.

I want a crazy tree house. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, eat-in kitchen...a big one... I like to cook.

THe tree wouldn't be real, it would be a synthetic tree, as there is too much risk involved, what with bugs and such. The "tree" would be the house. There would be a tire swing outside. a huge piece of property. I want a lot of land. My own personal escape from it all. I want to have two or three dogs. A vegetable garden. A creek running through my property. JOhn wants to have a squirrel farm, so we can throw that in there somewhere.

I want to be able to have bon-fires in my yard. I want to have a workshop for me to create things in, like airbrushings or woodwork, or...anything I please.

I think I need help. for the last like, two and a half weeks, I have been freaking out thinking that I am pregnant. John buys tests and tells me to calm down. In that 3 minute period I went through everything that could go horribly wrong if we ended up with a kid right now... Then I looked at the test. Not pregnant.

I cried for two hours because I felt like I failed as a human being. We had sex, weren't smart about it, and we lucked out. GO us, right? THat's how I should have felt. But instead I resorted back to my over all fear of not being able to ever get pregnant. When I ovulate, my eggs die or turn into systs. My mom has the same problem (and she managed three kids)... I don't have any form of regular cycle at all... so I figured that just meant I would have difficulty later with the whole having children thing.

Now here it is, one of those things where anyone else in our situation would now be making doctors appointments, and picking out names... and we aren't. It's relieving and scary all at the same time for me.

I am planing a wedding, I want to have a family and grow old with this man. When I told him that I wasn't pregnant, he told me he's happy either way. He is happy now because it's one less thing for us to worry about right now, and then he would have been happy because he wants to have a family with me. (Just preferably later.)

I am so fucking confused. One minute I am day-dreaming about "the pitter-patter of little feet" and the next minute I am freaking out because I have a cramp.

I don't know what the hell is going on in my head, but it is causing anxiety attacks and sleepless nights.

I want it to end.

Call me heartless, but I don't.

I mean, I don't go out of my way to fuck things up, but I don't like, spend my weekends picking up litter either.

I was never one to leave lights on because my father doesn't "Have stock in pse&g" and other such non-sense.

I really do have too many other things on my mind to deal with. I personally don't think it's healthy for me to add any extra stress at this point.

Kangaroo and alligator. You can decide which is stranger but I think Kangaroo is. It was delicious and I would totally eat it again.

Basket Case - Greenday
Blood, Sex and Booze- Greenday
Dominated love slave- Greenday (lol trend?)
I'll be - Edwin McCaine
Voodoo - Godsmack
Sring of Pearls - soul Asylum

I could keep going but I think I won't. If I like a song, it sticks.

First of all, I found my dress! Wo0t. Aparently one of my aunts just got married, and I fell in love with her dress. She said I should give her roughly $150 and she will see if she can get the same dress, only smaller...or...She would let me take hers in. Naturally she wants to try and keep her dress. (I use 'naturally' here because apparently most brides want to keep their dresses...I would probably donate mine if it was my own.)

I know where I want to have the wedding. Since I am a member, I am looking to hold it at a local American Legion post. I will get a crazy cheap deal on the place for THE WHOLE DAY. Which is awesome. I just have to wait for founds to free up, and then I am going to book the place. I figure over a year in advance should be plenty of time. :-p

Also, I know what my cake and color scheme is going to be. I just have to plot out how much it is going to cost since I am doing it myself.

I am pretty excited. I know who the brides maids are and I know who the groomsmen are.

All I have to figure out now is, the guest list.. the first song for us to dance too (which should be awesome because both of us hate dancing) food. I need to figure out food. WHy is that hard?

Guh.. I also have to ask how they would handle an open-bar situation... like if there was an amount to drop ahead of time and make up the difference later, of if I should just wait until the end...I don't know. Craziness.

I am super excited though. I love John so much.

The superflu is going to create the zombie apocolypse.

Long enough to be rescued. I feel fairly confident. But my question is, how did I end up in the wild? Is this something like "Hatchet" am I equiped with ANYthing or am I like waking up out of a coma in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the clothes on my back? On that note, do I have clothes?

Even still, I think I could survive for quite a bit.

Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The book is hysterical. I got a hold of it when a friend of mine pulled it off the shelf in school and said "Hey I bet this would be interesting." Conveniently enough I had like two days to do a book report, it was only 200pgs long, so I ganked it from her, read it, wrote the report and gave her back the book. I think she still has it. Yay for never returning things to that school.

My very first post was a poorly written summary of my life up until that point. (I was 15.) The one immediately following it stated I was bored and then I provided the list of ingredients needed to make neosporin.

I remember the day I MADE that account. I was at my friend Meghan's house and she pulled up her LJ.

The sad part was, most of my entries at the time ended up being about the same person, who later in the course of things really fucked up my brain.

But I am ok now. ~twitch~

Duck-Hunt.

End of story.